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Have you ever found yourself in a situationship? No, not a tricky “situation” — a “situationship” — where you’re in a casual relationship with someone. It’s kinda like a one-night stand but carries on over an extended period, breaking all the rules as it goes.
Modern dating has evolved, and it’s more like a desert landscape where definitions keep shifting and changing than a highway to love. One of the newer hot terms is to be in a “situationship” where you’re dating someone, but it’s really undefined and casual. But is this healthy? How do you know you’re in one, and what are the rules of this strangely casual form of togetherness?
What Is a Situationship?
A situationship is a relationship without any labels. You’re not partners, strangers or romantically engaged. Instead, it is a murky relationship limbo that only agrees on one thing — you’re not exclusive, and there are no responsibilities or commitments. It’s a consensual, non-monogamous relationship that one in five Americans have experienced at some point.
In this arrangement, both parties avoid defining the relationship. It’s casual and structured around what’s convenient for everyone involved. You may text or spend a weekend together, then lose touch for weeks or even months, only to pick up the relationship again as if there have been no interruptions. While you talk about it being casual, you don’t define what the relationship means to each other or what your future expectations are.
When you’re in this partnership, you may have a steady partner on the side, or you can even have several other casual connections with others. It’s a case of “anything goes” without concrete definitions of what’s off-limits.
Is a Situationship Toxic?
This relationship form can be toxic, but they’re not always unhealthy. If both parties are happy with how their casual arrangement evolves, they’ll continue, and this casual relationship form may blossom into a romantic one or continue as a mutually satisfying agreement. Again, there are no rules, and you may find yourself in a relationship with someone with a phonebook filled with other situational partners.
When the arrangement becomes unequal, or one person develops behaviors and feelings for the other that aren’t reciprocated and are physically and emotionally damaging, this relationship format becomes toxic. The lack of clarity can become confusing and create emotional distress. If there’s no communication, it can leave you second-guessing your relationship value.
Situationships are often practical for people too busy to date or form traditional relationships. It’s convenient and meets the need for cuddles and sex, but that’s where it stops.
Situationships Vs. Friends-With-Benefits
Is this connection and “friends-with-benefits” the same? While some aspects are the same, the overall result isn’t. For a “friends-with-benefits” connection, the focus is primarily on being friends who occasionally have sex when it suits them. In a situationship, the focus is more on sexual availability and non-romantic and transactional connection than on friendship, which takes a backseat.
Signs You’re in a Situationship
You may wonder if you’re in a one-night stand, a friends-with-benefits setup or a situationship. Here are a few signs that help you understand the situationship’s casual but murky dating waters.
1. There’s No Definition Except It’s Casual
You never discuss yourself as a couple or any of your expectations because you don’t have any. Instead, your lifestyles or travel arrangements cause the situational connection to form. This relationship also appeals to the recently divorced, who don’t want to rebound into a relationship, given that second divorce ratings are over 65% due to not getting over the divorce.
2. You Both Say It’s Casual
You haven’t had any conversations about where your connection is going or if there even is one, but it’s entertaining.
3. You Both See Other People
Despite being in a relationship, you both date others. Some of these relationships are serious, while others are extremely casual.
4. There’s No Shared Exterior Group of Friends
You don’t share friendships or socialize with the same people. Instead, you and your situational partner only hang out when you fulfill each other’s needs, usually sexual needs.
5. You Won’t Meet Each Other’s Friends or Family
Like your friends, your families don’t have any contact with each other. It’s about your sexual interactions with each other, not how you and your situational partner fit into your family setups.
6. It’s Always About Sex
As you’ve guessed, it’s about sex. While there may be cuddling after sex, there’s no expectation to call the next day or to remain in close contact.
7. Commitment Is a Phone Call
You aren’t allowed to be jealous about your partner’s other interactions because you aren’t “together” as a long-term couple. You also don’t discuss the potential of formalizing your connection.
8. You Have Great Conversations, But Some Topics Are Off-Limits
While you talk about everything from politics and entertainment to the best coffee shops, you never discuss your plans or emotions. Some casual sex-friends don’t discuss negative things like job stress or family challenges. It really is a “good times” relationship.
9. There’s No Pressure to Remember
You don’t expect them to call on birthdays, and there’s no challenge to remember the day you met. Instead, it’s all about when you can hang out for a weekend away or a mid-week get-together, aka a sex date.
10. Your Relationship Stays the Same
The amount of connection you felt after that first night together doesn’t grow. It remains the same: hot and disconnected.
11. You’re afraid to tell them you want more
While you may want more, you don’t talk about it, and if you apply pressure to spend more time together, they ghost you. Because you have a casual relationship, it’s one with things that are out of bounds, and you feel anxious.
The Two Rules of a Situationship
A casual relationship like this may sound ideal — it’s like having a sex buddy any time you want, without any strings attached. Plus, you’re never angry at them and don’t have to listen to any drama after some horizontal action. However, there are rules too:
1. It’s temporary and casual: You are replaceable. If your situational partner has other partners, you have no right to apply too much pressure. While you have to get clarity on what you each want, trying to clarify may feel like you’re defining the casual relationship, which can break it.
2. They may have other partners without telling you: Your situational partner doesn’t have to tell you about their other partners. Likewise, you can have some on the side. Trust isn’t something you work on, and when you ask, you will find yourself excluded.
How to Get Over a Situationship
What about when you no longer want things to be as casual? How do you get over it when you and your situational partner no longer connect? When you feel like her dirty little secret, instead of like a willing adult consenting to sharing intimacy, you may feel you’ve reached the end of the road.
Getting over any relationship can come with challenges. In a situationship, you don’t have to pack up from each other’s lives because you’ve only had a foot in the door. Instead, it’s about clearly defining that your casual fling is over and that you want something or someone else. With the decision to leave, you choose something else.
The challenge is that you may not realize you are slipping back into the same casual arrangement again because you are so used to it being unstructured and undefined. This also brings other issues with future relationships as you may not realize what is involved in true commitment after being in such a “no-rules” arrangement.
How to End a Situationship
You’ve realized the relationship or friendship isn’t supportive enough or meeting your needs, and you want more, but you also know your casual partner or partners won’t give that to you. It’s time to leave, but how? To end it, realize your arrangement is over. There’s no going back, and you and your partner need to realize that you should respect each others’ wishes and not reconnect by not contacting each other for more get-togethers.
Keep the reasons short, and don’t place blame on you or them — it was good while it lasted, but it’s now over.
Casual Situations and Connections
Situationships can work when nobody gets hurt, which only happens when honest and open communication exists. Sadly, many of these casual relationships don’t reach the point of having a mature conversation about what each person wants or needs. Ambiguities arise, which eventually destroy the casual nature of their connection.
But if you have a busy lifestyle and prefer a casual connection, you may find this relationship works well. Communicate and ensure you’re all on the same page to ensure you have happy times when it suits you both instead of a toxic situationship.
